Happy September Monsters. How is the dating going? Have you made a connection yet. I hope so. Nothing like new love, well maybe a lasting love. Before you ride off into the sunset lets talk about deal breakers. Deal breakers, any thing or action that destroys an agreement, deal, or partnership.
These are way different then the non negotiable aspects in a partner I blogged about. Deal breakers usually don't show up until you have dated a few times. Deal breakers are sneaky like that. They don't usually show up in the pre-screening phase. It is easy to see some one's height, their style, how they speak, you can ask all the easy questions about their background, past relationships, religious affiliation, marital status etc, but can your really ever screen for a deal breaker. Hmmm...not so much.
These little sneaky devils only show up after the Newness of the encounter has worn off. After all everyone is on their best behavior the first time you meet up. (of course there is always the guy who acts a fool on the first date, hopefully that was your last date) Deal breakers have more to do with habits and lifestyle choices, they are things that are better shown then told about. Here is what a deal breaker looks like.
You have been dating for about a month, he starts showing up late, canceling plans, or not calling when he says he will. You talk to his voice mail on a regular basis, and he has stopped opening doors and all the other sweet things he used to do. Is this a deal breaker? Do we start seeing a perfectly good guy just because he starts to get a little lax in his behavior towards you? How about this one, when your out with him you notice he doesn't tip. He checks out other women, he zones out on your conversations and has zero interest in the upcoming election or voting in general. Is this deal breaking behavior? Or maybe your sweetie has a slight gaming addiction, OK maybe not so slight, he games all the time, he has even bought a PlayStation over to your apartment so he can bond with you over Halo 3. Deal Breaker? Perhaps he has a lot of female friends that he spends time with. He compares you to his exes or he is worried that his friends don't think your hot. Is that a deal breaker?
See what I mean, sneaky little things aren't they. They are the behaviors you bring up to your girlfriends, the ones you find yourself trying to talk to him about, the ones that seem petty when you think about it. What are your deal breakers? What does a man have to do, or not do to get kicked to the curb? I cannot answer this for you, I mean everyone has a different level of tolerance for any one of these behaviors. This is where you need to know yourself, know what you like, what bothers you and what you want long term. All smart girls know that you can change his wardrobe, his hair, maybe even his cologne preference. What you cannot change is him, and who he is. So can you live with the behavior he is showing you? If you can't then you are looking at a deal breaker.
If you can talk about the things that bother you with him, work it out then your deal breaker is not a deal breaker, its fixable. By all means fix it. Some things, character issues, habits, addictions, and other issues are deal breakers period, no discussion needed. Things like cheating, a temper, how he handles anger, how he treats you and women in general, anti social or criminal behavior, drug or alcohol abuse are flat out no holds barred deal breakers. If you come across one of these guys , run the other way. You can't help him monster, and it is not safe to try.
It is not about being overly picky, or having unrealistic expectations. It is about knowing yourself. A relationship should add value to both you and your partner, while it won't always be sunshine and rainbows it should also not be a drama filled, torturous journey. So monster, while your dating, take a long hard look at your guy, if you can't live with his actions, attitudes or behavior for life, it's best to let him go . After all better to be happy alone then miserable together.
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