Dazed, Hazed and Confused

Hey monsters, miss me? I missed you. In all my hectic planning and wedding and moving situations I barely had time to breathe. let alone time to write. So what is new.... what is going on....what is up. in the love universe? I have no idea. I am serious. I have been caught up in the haze of matrimony. Apparently all little girls dream of their wedding, but not me, all women have an idea of what they want their ceremony to be like, their reception, the dress etc, not me. nope monsters in all my self -absorption I never really about all the details that go into a wedding. So like a good bride I read all the books, the magazines, the websites, the blogs and was just as clueless as I was before i did all that and a whole lot poorer.  (did you know bridal magazines cost 20 bucks a pop) There is such a thing as  TMI in bridal info and I had exceeded my limit. I was in a haze. Bridal shows, TLC wedding marathons, Martha Stewart DIY projects, shower planning, shoe shopping, wedding gown trials, the l ist was never ending, Everyone had a checklist and a zillion reasons why you needed to pick out the right invitations. Talk about hazing, sororities have nothing on bridal consultants.
I was so caught up in the planning of a big day I lost sight of why i was planning a big day in the first place. Forget about being caught up in the matrix I was lost in the haze.

What does this possibly have to do with  you monster? Why are you reading about wedding planning on a dating blog? I'm getting to it, hold on. The point is it is easy to get lost. lost in the haze of wedding planning, lost in the haze of everyday life and lost in the haze of dating. See how I tied that in there, your girl is a genius.

Yes monster, there is such a thing as a dating haze. It is when you have immersed yourself into the task of dating, of finding the right guy, picking the right date, looking the right way, etc that you get lost. You are speed dating, internet dating, blind dating, retro dating, group dating, etc. You have been on so many dates your head is spinning or worse you have talked to so many men and are still waiting for a first date. You are asking friends for advice, strangers, co-workers any body, your reading relationship books, blogs and advice columns. You are seriously doubting that you will ever find anybody remotely normal  and you are two seconds away  from swearing off men. You my friend are in a haze.  You have forgotten the very reason why you are dating, to have fun.

 Yup monster, that is the point of dating, fun. Sure you are dating to meet a great guy to spend your life with, but you should be having fun doing it. Not every date is going to end well, not every guy is going to even get a date, not every potential suitor is going to suit you, but hey you should be having fun. Don't let the haze pressure you into making bad choices, giving up or  settling. Dating is fun, not only do you get a free meal at the hot new restaurant you have been dying to try, but  you get to practice being charming with someone.
See, fun. Let me let you in on a secret, guys don't want to date Debbie Downer, chances are if you are not having fun, neither is he. Its all about your attitude monster. There will be the odd date where no matter how charming, how pleasant or how fun you are he is going to be a jerk, luckily this is not the norm. Shake off a bad date, or even a bad introduction and keep it moving.  So get out of the haze and enjoy the journey. keep it light, keep it friendly, keep your legs closed, and keep it fun. If you do that the haze won't linger and you might even find out that your having a great time

Get your date on monster!

Liars, Connivers, and Other Foul Creatures

Hello monsters, I know it has been a minute. I have been floating in a haze of new love and butterfly feelings. But enough about me, your probably wondering about the title, don't panic, I am good, but in the midst of my haze a friend's situation popped my love bubble, so now it is time to get back to work. Today, monsters, we are going to talk about the ugly side of dating. If any of you are like me, you have seen enough of the ugly side to think its the only side, it is not. Really, It's not.

On your incredible journey to find love, you my friend are gonna run across some frogs, better yet toads. Most of the guys you meet, are good guys, just not the guy for you. We can usually leave these guys where we found them in the hopes that another girl will come along and find him perfect for her needs. Kind of like shoe shopping. Actually it is exactly like shoe shopping. (forget the frogs) You will find some that are too big, too small, too last year, too expensive, too cheap, too high, not high enough etc. (yes I love shoes, I love them a lot) For the most part the ones you don't like you just leave on the shelf, then there are the ones that need a closer look, you take them off the shelf, you try them on, you check yourself out and they look good on you. They are perfect, almost. The might pinch a bit, be out of your price range, not fit right, squeak when you walk, or there could just be something not quite right about it. You really want these shoes, really really bad, a small voice tells you "don't do it!!! They are going to hurt your feet". Of course, monster, you don't listen, you buy them anyway. The guys we are going to talk about are like those shoes. They seem right, we love the way they look, they look good, feel kinda good, they are mostly perfect, until they aren't.


    You know exactly what I am talking about, you meet the guy (not the shoe, keep up monster) you like the guy, you date the guy, you get comfortable with the guy, you take him home and let him lounge on your couch, you might even give him a cookie or two. He is semi perfect. You like the same things, you enjoy each other's company, you laugh, you have so much fun, you do a lot of ummmmm baking. perfect right? Until it is not. Sometimes, you swear he told you something different last week when he was late meeting you. He always keeps his phone on him, even when he showers. He disappears for chunks of time with no explanation. Something feels off but you can't really figure out what it is. It just is. He gets defensive when you ask him things, he doesn't call when he says he will, you are going out less and less and staying in more and more. Something is going on, monster, something shady. This is the ill fitting shoe, the one that rubs and pinches, the one that will leave a blister or hurt your feet.

Or better yet nothing is going on. You are totally unaware of anything wrong in your budding relationship. You spend tons of time together, you text, you email, you are having a ball. Until your not. Your calls start going to voice mail, plans are cancelled, and your sitting on the couch alone waiting for a call that may never come.  You are blissfully unaware of anything until one day you find yourself going about your business and the heel brakes off. (shoe, monster, shoe)  Or you twist your ankle, or the bottom starts to come off your shoe, or it starts to squeak, who know its annoying but you never see it coming, until you land on your butt and your holding a shoe you never should have bought. Are you confused yet, yeah monster this type of guy is confusing, thus so is the paragraph.

     These are the guys all your love books, movies, and friends warn you about.They are the liar and the conniver.  The liar. This guy lies about everything, but he is so good at it you can't help but believe him. He lets you down on occasion but makes up for it spectacularly. He lies by omission at times, not really lying but not really telling the truth either. He exaggerates about his life, his work, his family. He lies about the things he has done. He lies about the things he plans to do. He always has an excuse as to why things are not working out for him.  Whether he tells small lies or big ones, in the end his lies will find him out.

   Then there is the conniver. This one  is tricky. He doesn't lie per say, but his life with you is a lie. He is doing and saying all the right things but he is only playing a role, a role you desired. He wants what you want, he likes what you like, he will even go so far as to infer a future with the two of you riding off into the sunset. Personally I think he is the worse of the two. You don't see him coming. He is good. You are planning a future, he is planning an exit. Usually this guy  will continue with the lie until called out by a third party, usually the other girl he is role playing with, or he will disappear. Don't send out a search party, let him go. He is the shoe you bought with the too high heel that breaks on you right at your cutest. Don't fix it, throw it away.

On your journey to find love you are going to come across these guys, the liars, the connivers, the ones who disappear. I am sorry monster if you have experienced them. The good news is that they are not any type of reflection on you. Yes, you may have had some bad judgement, yes you knew something was not quite right, but in no way should you let these guys detour you from your journey. They are just speed bumps along the way. The thing about speed bumps is that they are annoying, they remind you to slow down and pay attention, and they may cause some superficial damage, but they are just a bump. They are not an obstacle, they will not and cannot stop you and as soon as you get over them you forget about them.
You may hit a speed bump monster, but its not the end of the road.


Find your love, monster, find your love

Kissing a frog, finding a prince and other fairy tale endings

     Happy Monday monsters. When I started this blog it was supposed to be about my personal search for love, my adventures if you will. But like all things the blog has evolved into a dating manual, not only for me but for all my sisters in the midst of their own adventures. In my last post I alluded to a new love so I guess I will have to dish about that so here we go....

     Let's be honest anyone who has tried internet dating, know that it is a scary place to be! Who is real and who is not, what about all the old pictures and misrepresentation, let's not even get into all the angry disillusioned people online who sour the cheery optimistic ones! ( I ran across a few of them, ladies whatever you do stay away from these guys) I could go on all day about all the frogs a poor princess will have to pucker up for to find a prince. The reality is you will meet more people then you would without it, you just have to keep your sense of humor about it and keep it moving.

     Enough of that nobody cares about all the weird guys, the old men, or the half naked jersey shore guys I had to fend off to find my prince. The truth is I was just about to cancel my membership and drink some bitter grape juice when a random note was dropped in my box. I must admit I ignored it. In fact I laughed at it. The  guy had stated that he was in Cleveland on business and would love to get together while he was in town. Yeah sounded sketchy to me too, internet booty call anybody? Needless to say he went straight to trash, after  I checked out all his pictures and scanned his profile.
 ( I never said I wasn't shallow)

   Lucky for me this particular frog was rather persistent and redeemed himself with a witty and engaging email so me being the open minded gal that I am gave him my facebook address and opened up the door to future conversations. (I am such a sweetheart) From there I watched as he made witty statements, liked all my inane chatter, and read all my blogs, gotta love a guy that reads your chatter! (I love you guys for reading my chatter.) Fast forward this blog is getting long, since he is an unfortunate resident of St.Louis (everybody from Chicago laughs at St.Louis) a lot of our time was spent texting, calling and skyping. The cool thing about long distance match ups is you really have to talk.  Without the physical distraction you get a chance to dig deep into who the person is, their character, their thoughts, dreams, and ideals. Lucky for him he was easy to talk to, he made me laugh and I enjoyed his voice. (did I mention I was shallow?) This went on for about 2 -3 months, hey ladies got to be cautious, before he planned a trip out to my remote part of the world for our first date. Let me tell you it was worth the wait!! But that monster is a blog for another day....

Find your love monsters, find your love.

Honey Coated Words and Other Dangerous Things

     Hello monsters, how is the love life going? smoothly, a little rough, a little in between? It has been brought to my attention that finding love is difficult at times but maintaining it is even harder. Why is that? What is it about us that makes it difficult to get along with each other, especially with someone we love, or deeply like whatever the case may be? I myself am still in the honeymoon phase of new love (oh I didn't blog about it yet, hmmm I will have to save that for another day.)  As I was saying, when love is new there is not a whole lot of things that will irritate you, yet.  Everything about the other person is new and exciting. You haven't heard all their stories and you are learning about them so arguments, disagreements and the like are rare. (unless you are one of those drama filled women whose life is not complete without, well drama) So lets skip ahead to the real life phase. The phase where you let down your guard, retire your representative and settle into being who you really are in front of the one you love.

      Now is when all the things you loved and adored about him begin to irritate you. He actually has an opinion that doesn't agree with yours, your true feelings about sports and all things sport related begins to show, right in the midst of football season, and you no longer spend every moment discussing what you love about your love. Yup honeymoon is over.  Now is when you start to find things to argue about, to fuss about, to complain about etc. Your moods are all over the place and your calling your girlfriends complaining about the guy who just last week was the best thing since sliced bread. How did you get here?  Could be you don't have enough honey in your diet.

    You are totally wondering what I am talking about aren't you, you should be. Girl you need to relax.  Take a breath and stop picking. That simple, stop picking, stop looking for things that will bother you, stop looking for ways to sabotage your relationship, stop complaining to your girlfriends, just stop. This advice is only for the petty things that cause arguments, like what to watch on t.v., how to spend your weekend, whether or not the Bears are better then the Rams, you know the petty stuff that escalates into big things. Use your best judgement, the easiest way is to take a good look at what it is your complaining about and determine if it is detrimental to your life or your emotional, physical or spiritual well being. If its not it is probably petty.

    Here is where the honey comes in. You have to remember all the things you love about the guy, all the things you love about you when your with him and then act accordingly. So before you begin your argument...er conversation coat your words in honey  Honey is sweet, its smooth, it covers completely, and it is good for you. Cover everything you say and do in honey. Honey is also precious, in case you didn't know it takes thousands of bee hours to make the stuff and honey bees are endangered. I say that to say this when something is precious it is not wasted, it is used sparingly, you pick what you use it on. Therefore pick your battles. Here is what it looks like.

   Instead of you arguing about all the time he spends with friends (I would much rather be with friends than hang out with someone who is always finding something to complain about. ) become someone he would rather spend time with.  You don't like how he dresses when you go out, don't complain, buy him something, compliment him when he wears something you like, tell him how good he looks, etc. Honey.
Practically any behavior or action that you don't like about him, he probably has an equal number of things he doesn't like about you, the difference is he is smart enough not to complain about them, to your face.

 Honey is just another word for love, love as an action. The honeymoon is not over, it can last forever if you remember to bring that same love with you on the rest of the journey. Nothing is perfect, No one is perfect but love like honey covers completely. It covers up the rough edges, it sweetens, and it is precious.  A few days ago I told a close friend to love her man like she loves her son. She will never stop loving her son no matter what he does, she is patient with him, she corrects him lovingly when he is wrong, she feeds him, she plays with him, she talks with him, her devotion is unwavering. So I told her to love her man like that. Put some honey on that and your honeymoon will never end. After all, men are just children in bigger clothes.

So monsters, add some honey to your life.

Butterflies and other Ailments

    Happy Monday monsters. Lets talk about bugs, specifically butterflies. You know the feeling you get when you meet someone you really like. The loopy stomach you get when he goes in for the kiss. The goosebumps you get when he looks at you, the deja vu when he opens the door. Don't be coy you know the feelings. Its what we look for in a date, what we hope we feel when we sit across from him on a first date. It is the first clue to even the most skeptical of us that something is going on. What is that something monster? Chemistry.

    I don't know about you but I never aced chemistry in school, I could not begin to recite the periodic table of elements, and I can barely mix up cleaning solutions properly, I mean seriously who actually measures that stuff? The chemistry I found

most interesting is the one that happens between you and a guy. Those tingly feelings when you hear his voice, the way you smile involuntarily when you think about him. All the gooey things that go on inside, the butterflies. No matter how cynical you are they will find you eventually. So what happens when there are none?

   What happens when you really like a guy, you are excited about a guy and then boom you meet and nothing.  It is not like you can request the butterflies to show up. Do you fake it? Do you try to force it, do you try again later, or do you walk away? I posed this question to several daters and with out fail they all say walk away. Do we put too much stock in this elusive chemistry? You could be walking away from the relationship that could take you off the market forever. Could it be your tingle response is off? Or do you only tingle for the guys who are destined to break your heart? Are your butterflies early warning signals or beacons in the darkness of dating?

 What if you do feel the tingles, the butterflies, and the loss of appetite, (kind of sounds like an illness. ) what then? What does it really signify? Is it an animal attraction, a meeting of souls, or just flu symptoms? What if you get all those things and you are still unsure that  the person is  right for you? What if you get them with someone you never would have thought yourself attracted to? What do you listen to? The phantom butterflies, or your mind? When do you follow your butterflies and when do you exterminate them?

I for one think that the butterflies, the goosebumps, the elusive chemistry is the best stuff on earth. It is the precursor to love. Who doesn't like being in love, it is a legal high. So I guess I would have to side with the daters who say to walk away if you don't feel those things. Even as I write this I am reflecting on a date I had this weekend. From the moment I saw him the butterflies have been doing the samba. Even 48 hours later I find myself deeply in like. I am high on the residual tingles. So I may not know why these ailments afflict us or what they may signify, but I plan on enjoying the ride.

 I love the butterflies I get, even when they make me wonder. Today I wish you butterflies.

Celiwhat?...Seriously?

Hey monsters, how are your adventures in love going, smoothly I hope. I am going to change it up a bit and talk about sex. Everybody's favorite topic, right? Well what about the lack of sex? Or how about the choice to not have sex at all? Shocking right, I can find tons of articles on how to have the best sex, how to please your man, when to have sex, sexual positions, sexual tricks and tactics, the list goes on and on. But what about for those of us who choose not to have sex? I am not a virgin, not by any definition, (did you know there where different degrees of virginity?) but in my single journey I have decided to abstain from sex. To be celibate.  Yep, I said it, the C word. It seems that by today's standards celibacy is at the least a joke and in the extreme a dirty word. Nobody wants to talk about celibacy, well maybe the Catholic Church, but who really listens to them?

In a world of serial dating, no one wants to not have sex. That is the whole point of dating right, to sleep with whomever you want whenever you want however you want. But what happens when you take sex out of the  equation? What if you want to date, and not have sex. Every woman has a time line, the time when she will have sex, some women will do it on the first date, or hook up randomly, some if they are serious about dating make him wait, the question is how long. Do you wait until after a few dates, a few weeks, a few months? According to Steve Harvey you should at least wait 90 days before giving up the "cookie". According to the Bible you should wait until marriage.  Which one is the right one, better yet which one is the easier one?

I have decided to take sex completely off the table! Hey I am already a single mom, mid 30's and I want a serious long term relationship, not to mention the whole "I am a Christian" therefore I should at least attempt to follow what the Bible says. Besides in my not so wholesome days I never had sex without monogamy, well, the intention of monogamy, all right, the idea that it could possibly end up as a monogamous relationship. Well needless to say since I am blogging about being single these tactics obviously did not work. (insert giggle here). So I'm doing something new, or is it not something (one) new? hmmm I will have to ponder that.

All joking aside, I have found that I really don't get a lot of flack from guys about not having sex, surprisingly it is the women that I get an earful from. They usually sound something like this. "What, really, your not even going to try it out? Don't you want to know if he is any good before you marry him, No guy is going to date you if he can't have sex with you, He might date you but he will definitely cheat, that is what guys do, So does this mean all sex, you are still going to do oral right? or my favorite, the fake smile and the wow that is so brave of you, I could never do that, I like sex too much. No matter what is said they all look at you like you just fell off a turnip truck and they feel really sorry for you.

So when did not having sex or heaven forbid remaining a virgin become so terrible. Do we seriously believe that in order to get to know someone, to date someone, we have to have sex with them? I admit when I do tell a guy that I am saving myself for marriage, quite a few run, fast, but is that such a bad thing? Do I really want to date someone who is only saying the right things, doing the right things, etc just to get in my pants? I want the guy who is going to stick around because he likes who I am, because in truth when your both 80 is sex going to be the only thing making you stick around?

So, I am not going to make the guy wait 90 days, I am going to make him wait longer. I think I am worth waiting for, I think I am worth marrying for. Hey if Megan Good can wait so can I.  So monsters, what are you worth?

Deal Breakers...You Need to be this high to ride this ride

Happy September Monsters. How is the dating going? Have you made a connection yet. I hope so. Nothing like new love, well maybe a lasting love. Before you ride off into the sunset lets talk about deal breakers. Deal breakers, any thing or action that destroys an agreement, deal, or partnership. 

These are way different then the non negotiable aspects in a partner I blogged about. Deal breakers usually don't show up until you have dated a few times. Deal breakers are sneaky like that. They don't usually show up in the pre-screening phase. It is easy to see some one's height, their style, how they speak, you can ask all the easy questions about their background, past relationships, religious affiliation, marital status etc, but can your really ever screen for a deal breaker. Hmmm...not so much. 

These little sneaky devils only show up after the Newness of the encounter has worn off. After all everyone is on their best behavior the first time you meet up. (of course there is always the guy who acts a fool on the first date, hopefully that was your last date) Deal breakers have more to do with habits and lifestyle choices, they are things that are better shown then told about. Here is what a deal breaker looks like.

You have been dating for about a month, he starts showing up late, canceling plans, or not calling when he says he will. You talk to his voice mail on a regular basis, and he has stopped opening doors and all the other sweet things he used to do. Is this a deal breaker? Do we start seeing a perfectly good guy just because he starts to get a little lax in his behavior towards you? How about this one, when your out with him you notice he doesn't tip. He checks out other women, he zones out on your conversations and has zero interest in the upcoming election or voting in general. Is this deal breaking behavior? Or maybe your sweetie has a slight gaming addiction, OK maybe not so slight, he games all the time, he has even bought a PlayStation over to your apartment so he can bond with you over Halo 3. Deal Breaker? Perhaps he has a lot of female friends that he spends time with. He compares you to his exes or he is worried that his friends don't think your hot. Is that a deal breaker? 

See what I mean, sneaky little things aren't they. They are the behaviors you bring up to your girlfriends, the ones you find yourself trying to talk to him about, the ones that seem petty when you think about it. What are your deal breakers? What does a man have to do, or not do to get kicked to the curb? I cannot answer this for you, I mean everyone has a different level of tolerance for any one of these behaviors. This is where you need to know yourself, know what you like, what bothers you and what you want long term. All smart girls know that you can change his wardrobe, his hair, maybe even his cologne preference. What you cannot change is him, and who he is. So can you live with the behavior he is showing you? If you can't then you are looking at a deal breaker. 

    If you can talk about the things that bother you with him, work it out then your deal breaker is not a deal breaker, its fixable. By all means fix it. Some things, character issues, habits, addictions, and other issues are deal breakers period, no discussion needed. Things like cheating, a temper, how he handles anger, how he treats you and women in general, anti social or criminal behavior, drug or alcohol abuse are flat out no holds barred deal breakers. If you come across one of these guys , run the other way. You can't help him monster, and it is not safe to try. 

It is not about being overly picky, or having unrealistic expectations. It is about knowing yourself. A relationship should add value to both you and your partner, while it won't always be sunshine and rainbows it should also not be a drama filled, torturous journey.  So monster, while your dating, take a long hard look at your guy, if you can't live with his actions, attitudes or behavior for life, it's best to let him go . After all better to be happy alone then miserable together.